Featured - Joan Rivers




I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers

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